I’m (almost) at my lowest.

I hit rock bottom once before; maxing out at 217lbs, binge drinking, smoking, and constantly over eating.

Now, three years later, I feel like I’m slipping down that slope again.

At my best I got down to 160lbs. I was eating super healthy, exercising every day, and was really happy! It felt sooo good to be that healthy!

So what happened? Why did I stop? How did I get here again? 190lbs, binge eating, I get out of breath walking at a moderately fast pace.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed and do a lot of self loathing. I’m also extremely angry at myself because I know I can lose weight! I’ve done it before after all. But I procrastinate and make up bullshit excuses instead.

I feel like depression and stress has played a big role in my current state.

I’m an emotional eater; and not just when I’m sad. I eat if I’m happy too. Or stressed. Or angry. Or just plain bored. Food and emotions always seem to go hand in hand with me.

But lately it’s been mostly because of sadness. I’m going through a bout of depression right now. It’s not a bad one (yet) but it’s definitely something I’m struggling with.

Extreme mood swings, tired ALL the time no matter how much I sleep, feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, I’m having a hard time connecting with my girlfriend (who is also going through an extreme bout of depression, which is what I think triggered mine), and I want to do fun things but I can’t bring myself to go out or hang out with friends.

It all feels so exhausting and daunting and scary. But, that’s why I’m here. I decided to make this Tumblr as a motivation tool to help me lose weight, become more athletic, and get myself mentally fit.

I plan on doing that by eating healthy, exercising regularly, and doing creative things to help with my emotional well being.

My girlfriend has to eat gluten free so I plan on doing so as well. I’m also going to cut out most dairy. So basically my diet will consist of chicken or fish 2-3 times a week, GF foods (although I still won’t be eating many of those because of too many carbs), eggs, fruit, vegetables, tofu, beans, rice, nuts, and lactose free yogurt.

Exercise wise, this is where I struggle the most. Eating healthy, I can do, but it’s really hard for me to motivate myself enough to want to get up and out of the house to go exercise. Specially when I’m feeling depressed. But I’m going to just suck it up and do it because I know that after the first week or so I’ll start feeling much better and it won’t be as hard. I plan on walking 3 miles every day until I can get an inhaler and get my asthma under control, then I’ll up my cardio. I’ll be alternating doing yoga and calisthenics/weight lifting ever other day.

As for my mental and emotional state; I’m going to challenge myself to write for at least 15 mins every day and finish one painting every two weeks. Those are pretty much the only artistic things that I find calming and therapeutic. I also plan on spending more time with my horse because even though I have anxiety when I’m around the other people who board at the same facility as I do, I love hanging out with her because she makes me feel better.

Lastly, I think that I need to take a tiny step back from my relationship to work on myself. I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to make my girlfriend feel better and trying to keep our relationship together that I’ve neglected myself and that’s how I think I became depressed again. So, I’m going to make it a point to give myself a little bit of alone time every day to just kind of, rejuvenate and re-energize myself. This way I’ll be stronger and better able to help Katie with her depression.

There is one little kink in my plan though and that is the fact that I’m going to be starting culinary art school this fall. Now, I’m not sure if or to what length they cater to peoples different dietary choices (i.e. being vegetarian and eating GF and dairy free) but I personally feel that to become the best chef possible I’m going to need to be open and willing to try anything and everything. So, during school and work will be the only time I actually eat meat, gluten, and dairy. And that’s only if I have to and there are no other options.

Wow, I feel a little better already just writing this all out. I’m excited to start tomorrow! :)